An apology

After 3 weeks of being too happy with life and busy to publish an update I am moved to blog. I have to first say that there are a million things I have wanted to write about but instead just made rough drafts. Now I really regret not publishing all the happy things that have happened because this blog is a very sad one.
Today I found myself crying again. A few weeks back I cried because I visited the graveyard where most of my family has been burried for generations. I was sad because I felt so distant from my grandfather. I wished that I had been around to absorb his personality and ethics. But the sadness was mixed with so much happiness. I was part of a family of revolutionaries. Each individual had a story of fighting for freedom or against colonization or oppression. Each one was religious and political and was a leader in their own way. I was part of a dynasty perhaps. Death is the only things that really moves me to tears. Today again I think about those who have been lost over the years.
Today I cried because another family friend passed away. I was unhappy with myself for not being there by Sarah's side at the Jinaza (funeral). Hassan was young and did not live up to his dream. I can't blame Allah (God) because ofcourse we all come from him and we all will return to him. Allah has plans that we don't know and so we all must put out trust in him.
But I can blame myself for not being a better friend to Sarah. I wish I could be there for her right now to mourn the loss of her youngest brother. Sometimes people let stupid things get in the way of the big picture. I always thought I looked at the big picture, that I wanted to be a leader and to leave a positive impact in this world. Right now I don't feel as though I have lived up to my expectations.
I am on the other side of the world right now. But I hope all my friends can forgive me if I ever wronged them. I know its a sad way to look at things... but at this point two people have died while I was travelling. So if I didn't say goodbye to you, if I ever offended you or if maybe I owe you 5 dollars, please forgive me. A lot of the time we take eachother for granted and expect things to be the same next time we meet.
I am not planning on going anywhere if you need me. So please don't go anywhere. And please take care of yourselves and eachother.